Thank You for
1) a new season of my life
2) emotions
3) beautiful blue skies
4) baked goods
5) wisdom from older ppl who has experienced life
6) hope of greater things to come
7) unconditional love
8) laksa
9) cameras to capture moments
10) the private beaches in brunei
Friday, 31 August 2012
kill me now
ahhh i just want to scream what is going on?
i just want to crawl under a rock and die...
No One Else Knows- Building 429
My world is closing in
On the inside
But I’m not showing it
When all I am is crying out
I hold it in and fake a smile
Still I’m broken
I’m broken
Only one can understand
And only one can hold the hand
Of the broken
Of the broken
When no one else knows how I feel
Your love for me is proven real
When no one else cares where I’ve been
You run to me with outstretched hands
And You hold me in your arms
Again
I need no explanation of why me
I just need confirmation
Only You could understand the
emptiness inside my head
I am falling
I am falling
I’m falling down upon my knees
To find the one who gives me peace
I am flying
Lord I am flying
When no one else knows how I feel
Your love for me is proven real
When no one else cares where I’ve been
You run to me with outstretched hands
And You hold me in Your arms
Again
I have come to you in search of faith
Cause I can’t see beyond this place
Oh You are God and I am man
So I’ll leave it in Your hands
“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” 2 Corinthians 12:9
i just want to crawl under a rock and die...
No One Else Knows- Building 429
My world is closing in
On the inside
But I’m not showing it
When all I am is crying out
I hold it in and fake a smile
Still I’m broken
I’m broken
Only one can understand
And only one can hold the hand
Of the broken
Of the broken
When no one else knows how I feel
Your love for me is proven real
When no one else cares where I’ve been
You run to me with outstretched hands
And You hold me in your arms
Again
I need no explanation of why me
I just need confirmation
Only You could understand the
emptiness inside my head
I am falling
I am falling
I’m falling down upon my knees
To find the one who gives me peace
I am flying
Lord I am flying
When no one else knows how I feel
Your love for me is proven real
When no one else cares where I’ve been
You run to me with outstretched hands
And You hold me in Your arms
Again
I have come to you in search of faith
Cause I can’t see beyond this place
Oh You are God and I am man
So I’ll leave it in Your hands
“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” 2 Corinthians 12:9
Thursday, 30 August 2012
Broken
when things break you usually try to fix it unless there is no hope and you have to throw it out.
i feel really broken.
there was no hope of fixing
i was thrown out.
im laying the the garbage
among the decaying
how long will it be to rot?
days, months, years
what if i can never fade away
even though i feel broken i still have to be thankful, God thanks for:
1) the cool breeze
2) the pretty clouds in the sky
3) the cousins in my life
4) my relationship that is growing in You
5) the good memories with Paul which make me sad that it is over
6) the longings in my heart
7) another day i am alive
8) making me who i am
9) the encouragers in my life
10) keeping my family and i safe
i feel really broken.
there was no hope of fixing
i was thrown out.
im laying the the garbage
among the decaying
how long will it be to rot?
days, months, years
what if i can never fade away
even though i feel broken i still have to be thankful, God thanks for:
1) the cool breeze
2) the pretty clouds in the sky
3) the cousins in my life
4) my relationship that is growing in You
5) the good memories with Paul which make me sad that it is over
6) the longings in my heart
7) another day i am alive
8) making me who i am
9) the encouragers in my life
10) keeping my family and i safe
Wednesday, 29 August 2012
Tears
i've cried my fair share of tears in the past 23 years of my life... i cry at happy times, sad times, funny times, and even times when i watch a movie or read a good book... i cry because i relate to how others feel... and i just cant help it....i cry even watching MasterChef this season!.. my earliest memory of crying i have that i couldnt control and the tears just came was at my grandma's funeral when i was 11 years old.. my old bro was playing amazing grace .... my heart was crying out for losing her and the tears just came uncontrollably...i think that was my first time my heart cried out that had significance in my life.
the last two weeks i left like i lost someone important... but not to a death but just to life circumstances.. i am a crier. i am a really emotional person who wears her emotions on her sleeve and sometimes i get burned for it...should i just keep it all inside? no, i dont think that is who God has made me... but i do know that i have to be caution and careful after letting my emotions run wild.
today in my journal there was a quote at the top of the page that just spoke to my being...
1) my tears
2) my friends- who even when i seem like i turned my back they are still there for me
3) my courage to move on
4) my bistro that is starting
5) my dreams to feed ppl
6) that im still young- even though i feel old
7) the storm last night- God's powerful work
8) God's word and timely revelations
9) sadness... to make u know what happiness is
10) Joy from a never changing source- God the Father
the last two weeks i left like i lost someone important... but not to a death but just to life circumstances.. i am a crier. i am a really emotional person who wears her emotions on her sleeve and sometimes i get burned for it...should i just keep it all inside? no, i dont think that is who God has made me... but i do know that i have to be caution and careful after letting my emotions run wild.
today in my journal there was a quote at the top of the page that just spoke to my being...
"There is a sacredness in tears, they are not the mark of weakness, but of power."- Washington Irving
i am not weak because i cry! and even when i do cry i remember the promises of God who has captured my every tear. every single tear!"You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book." Psalm 56:8 NLT
God today i am thankful for:1) my tears
2) my friends- who even when i seem like i turned my back they are still there for me
3) my courage to move on
4) my bistro that is starting
5) my dreams to feed ppl
6) that im still young- even though i feel old
7) the storm last night- God's powerful work
8) God's word and timely revelations
9) sadness... to make u know what happiness is
10) Joy from a never changing source- God the Father
As another day goes by
"never let a fool kiss you, or be fooled by a kiss"
i remember a few years ago i saw this quote at Mexx on the wall and i thought it was just a really cleaver and funny play on words... but now that i reflect on it i feel like i've been fooled! and i've let a fool kiss me...and the funny thing about this saying is that you don't know that u have been fooled until after the fact that it has happened...
anyways thats just some random thoughts
things im thankful for:
1) Eggs- hehehe as a kid i never really liked eating them but now i like eggs..and the fact that i cant bake without eggs i like eggs
2) God's promises that He will never leave or fore sake me
3) My comfy bed
4) Clean water to drink
5) and food to eat
6) Different languages and how ppl can learn them and communicate. In Brunei you hear so many different languages a day and i have the opportunity to speak if I just try...
7) My older bro- his care and support in his own quite way
8) Having the luxury to decide what i want to wear today
9) Books- i always enjoy reading
10) Waking up alive- each day is a new day
Bistro update: handed in all the paper work need for approval to the architect.. now will just have to wait till it is approved to start renos! currently looking for different materials for floors, walls, fixtures, fittings ect ect...
i remember a few years ago i saw this quote at Mexx on the wall and i thought it was just a really cleaver and funny play on words... but now that i reflect on it i feel like i've been fooled! and i've let a fool kiss me...and the funny thing about this saying is that you don't know that u have been fooled until after the fact that it has happened...
anyways thats just some random thoughts
things im thankful for:
1) Eggs- hehehe as a kid i never really liked eating them but now i like eggs..and the fact that i cant bake without eggs i like eggs
2) God's promises that He will never leave or fore sake me
3) My comfy bed
4) Clean water to drink
5) and food to eat
6) Different languages and how ppl can learn them and communicate. In Brunei you hear so many different languages a day and i have the opportunity to speak if I just try...
7) My older bro- his care and support in his own quite way
8) Having the luxury to decide what i want to wear today
9) Books- i always enjoy reading
10) Waking up alive- each day is a new day
Bistro update: handed in all the paper work need for approval to the architect.. now will just have to wait till it is approved to start renos! currently looking for different materials for floors, walls, fixtures, fittings ect ect...
Monday, 27 August 2012
Cultivating a Heart of Worship and Gratitude
"You give and take away..Lord Blessed Be Your Name"
I've decided to dig deep and hold on to the true lover of my soul.
After looking through old blogs on my xanga I've decided that I should take up the gratitude challenge again. I will be challenging myself from today till my birthday to write down at least 10 things I am thankful for no matter how small and stupid they might seem. I want to praise God for what He gives to me daily and I want to grow a thankful heart in every situtaion of my life. Let the challenge beging that I can search and find God in every day of my life ... I pray for God to cultivate my heart.
I am thankful for:
1) Living in Brunei right now- the warmth of the sun is always constant...I can wear summer clothes all year roung... the relaxed life style is something in Canada that is not always there cuz in Canada there are always things to do.
2) Electric toothbrushes. Make your teeth feel so clean! and on lazy days u dont need to do much
3) Praise Songs- there are days when singing praise music feels like God isn't listening.. or your praise is just not worshiping in spirit and in truth.. but there are times where God remindes you of His love..and His love just transcends on you..and you want to give back your all to God
4) Animals that God has created- I saw a monkey at the park that found an empty yogurt container and I saw the monkey happily licking the sides and dipping his fingers into the plastic cup and licking off the yogurt of his fingers! HOW CUTE and innocent and just child like! As adults when would u ever use your fingers to eat yogurt! hahahaa
5) My parents- even though sometimes I think they are too controlling or annoying or ect ect I know they love my unconditionally...they are cheering me on and believe in me.. They raised me to who I am.. and are still raising me.. I'll always be their daugther .. and i cherish my close relationship with them.. and I will honour my parents!
6) God's forgiveness and mercy- 1 john 1:9 If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness... the coolest part is that God doesn't remember our sins anymore! it is wiped out.. it is gone!..it is only the devil that is the one that keeps reminding ourselves of our past sins.
7) My life growing up in Canada- molded me into who I am now. Molded my relationship with God, with people, and just my outlook on life.
8) A good cup of a warm drink- Hot chocolate, milo, coffee.. having something warm and tastey just makes things feel good.
9) Being able to keep in contact with friends back in Canada through the internet.
10) Air Conditioning!
I've decided to dig deep and hold on to the true lover of my soul.
After looking through old blogs on my xanga I've decided that I should take up the gratitude challenge again. I will be challenging myself from today till my birthday to write down at least 10 things I am thankful for no matter how small and stupid they might seem. I want to praise God for what He gives to me daily and I want to grow a thankful heart in every situtaion of my life. Let the challenge beging that I can search and find God in every day of my life ... I pray for God to cultivate my heart.
I am thankful for:
1) Living in Brunei right now- the warmth of the sun is always constant...I can wear summer clothes all year roung... the relaxed life style is something in Canada that is not always there cuz in Canada there are always things to do.
2) Electric toothbrushes. Make your teeth feel so clean! and on lazy days u dont need to do much
3) Praise Songs- there are days when singing praise music feels like God isn't listening.. or your praise is just not worshiping in spirit and in truth.. but there are times where God remindes you of His love..and His love just transcends on you..and you want to give back your all to God
4) Animals that God has created- I saw a monkey at the park that found an empty yogurt container and I saw the monkey happily licking the sides and dipping his fingers into the plastic cup and licking off the yogurt of his fingers! HOW CUTE and innocent and just child like! As adults when would u ever use your fingers to eat yogurt! hahahaa
5) My parents- even though sometimes I think they are too controlling or annoying or ect ect I know they love my unconditionally...they are cheering me on and believe in me.. They raised me to who I am.. and are still raising me.. I'll always be their daugther .. and i cherish my close relationship with them.. and I will honour my parents!
6) God's forgiveness and mercy- 1 john 1:9 If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness... the coolest part is that God doesn't remember our sins anymore! it is wiped out.. it is gone!..it is only the devil that is the one that keeps reminding ourselves of our past sins.
7) My life growing up in Canada- molded me into who I am now. Molded my relationship with God, with people, and just my outlook on life.
8) A good cup of a warm drink- Hot chocolate, milo, coffee.. having something warm and tastey just makes things feel good.
9) Being able to keep in contact with friends back in Canada through the internet.
10) Air Conditioning!
Saturday, 25 August 2012
Where life has taken me so far...
i've disappeared from the blogging world for quiet a while and as i look back to my old posts i can't believe it has been almost a year! every time i wanted to share a blog there was this sense in me saying no it isnt the right time.. even though i had the time and had things i wanted to say or get off my chest it wasnt the right time... in my life....
last year at this time i just quit working at Saint Germain after saving up money to go on this awesome Asia grad trip with some awesome ppl! Pabs, Tess, and Paul.... it was an amazing trip with its ups and downs but we made some great memories..and some not so great..(the stench of the hot dog that gave food poisoning LOL! ee) but i think for all of us it ignited a even greater desire and passion to travel.. and see the world... for me the trip it felt like kinda a last hoorah for me before i have to grow up and really think about what i want to do with my life!
after the trip going back to Canada there was a month and a half of what now? what do i do with a FNH degree.. and i thought if i only decided to do Dietetics back in UBC things would be so much easier now.. i can just go find a job as a Dietitian cuz thats what i would be...and i can do that for my whole life..cuz they get paid well...ehh but i didnt think i had the grades..and i didnt even try for Dietetics....
FNH by name sure im a nutritionist but what does that even mean? lol for all the LSF students haha it means we know what AAASSS stands for! and what freeze dried ice cream tastes like LOL!! how many calories in fats, carbs, protein, how to have a balanced diet, what nutritional problems are going on around the world, food statistic and trends, how to help the community..i dunno random things we know cuz we were allowed to take such a wide range of electives!! come on WINE SCIENCE! best class ever! .... FNH thought me how to see things more as a whole picture really thats what i can take from it.. SYSTEMS! as we are called LAND AND FOOD SYSTEMS!
not knowing fully what i wanted to do made me really depressed...i was pretty defeated and not confident in who i was or i turned to others to give me validation.. i tried looking for Jobs that would suit me just for a little while..applying here and there online.. i remember Sam telling me thats not how u do it! you cant just expect to get a job right away and like it and know what u want.. u got to try out things!! it was a very heated discussion.... but inside i didnt believe him... i didnt believe in working for something i didnt have a passion for .. i didnt see myself working under anyone...i think i got that from my parents who were always there own bosses... i cant see myself sitting in an office in front of a computer the whole day.. i hate technology (in a sense: it brings ppl closers together yet further apart at the same time)...
i then thought i should go do culinary school at VCC ... i thought if God wanted me to do it i could just get in in January..but after i paid Admin fees i learnt there is a 10 months wait..and didnt go through with that..... -_-
at this time Paul was also applying for teaching jobs... at first a few local ones in private schools.. i dont remember if he ever applied for the districts as a TOC..lol i dont think so cuz i can still remember Carrie persistently saying to do it and that she would hand it in for him... i knew in his heart Paul always wanted to teach overseas... he applied for a few schools and got not only one but two contracts to teach in China! wow! he had his whole two years planned... where would i be in this plan? what am i suppose to do
Do i just run back to brunei to my parents?
i guess after talking with a few close friends and family they encouraged me to go to Brunei cuz they know my heart was to open up my own restaurant or bakery.. and the best opportunity for that is in Brunei... i would have the support of my parents here and all there connections to get things done.
It was a leap of faith.... leaving everything i know..all my friends.. my church support... my brothers.. my car oh i miss my bug... the culture.. the weather.. the everything...the food.. i was scared! so scared that Paul and i wont make it.. i never believed in a long distance relationship and i told him but he assured me everything will be ok! Did i make a rash decisions to move to Brunei? Should i have just stayed in Vancouver longer and wait to go to VCC.... i cant look back now
there are so many times that i wish i could have a time machine..
the first few months in Brunei were awesome like an extended vacation and it was Chinese New Year...i started looking into how to get funds for starting a business..and i began writing my business proposal...things were slowly happening! and all a long i think is this really happening?!
i then had a month of living here at my place a lone cuz my parents flew back to Vancouver..so i grew to know how to do things on my own here mostly the driving! haha..kinda found my footing..
then after it was like more vacation.. 3 months in fact... first my parents and old bro and sis in law came to brunei..and even gord and kevin for a day.. then sam and nat came..then ida colman and fam.. and then finally Paul! the last of the visitors....wow all the important ppl in my life came to brunei!! wahh so nice....
During all this visitors and fun times i knew this was a calm before the storm... u know how things seem to be going so well that it feels like something bad is about to happen cuz it is inevitable? cuz growth in faith comes the most during times of crisis .... i was weary that things were going too good and a crisis is coming around the corner...i knew because of all the visitors i had become distant from God...
After the visitors all left i got back to more planning and designing.. working on the floor plan and layout... it was quite challenging because the original location that i designed was not the place God ended up giving to me.. instead i got a smaller place in a better location ..a blessing in disguise..but i guess ill only know once business is up and running...the plans are in and im just waiting for approval!
I thought everything with Paul and I were going well we were talking a lot and he was enjoying his time back in Canada after his first contract in China.. but perhaps we are both moving in different directions in our lives.. have different callings at this stage ...maturing in our faith as individuals ... it hurts and cuts like a knife and there will be scars... but God disciplines his sons and daughters
I will focus my energy and efforts in giving God all the glory, honour, and praise as He deserves all... I won't understand how He is moving..or why things have to be this way...
I cannot blame myself.. i can't think of the the what ifs.. and i can't turn back time...
I can just be confident in that i know i truly gave it my all and will continue to give my all!!!
last year at this time i just quit working at Saint Germain after saving up money to go on this awesome Asia grad trip with some awesome ppl! Pabs, Tess, and Paul.... it was an amazing trip with its ups and downs but we made some great memories..and some not so great..(the stench of the hot dog that gave food poisoning LOL! ee) but i think for all of us it ignited a even greater desire and passion to travel.. and see the world... for me the trip it felt like kinda a last hoorah for me before i have to grow up and really think about what i want to do with my life!
after the trip going back to Canada there was a month and a half of what now? what do i do with a FNH degree.. and i thought if i only decided to do Dietetics back in UBC things would be so much easier now.. i can just go find a job as a Dietitian cuz thats what i would be...and i can do that for my whole life..cuz they get paid well...ehh but i didnt think i had the grades..and i didnt even try for Dietetics....
FNH by name sure im a nutritionist but what does that even mean? lol for all the LSF students haha it means we know what AAASSS stands for! and what freeze dried ice cream tastes like LOL!! how many calories in fats, carbs, protein, how to have a balanced diet, what nutritional problems are going on around the world, food statistic and trends, how to help the community..i dunno random things we know cuz we were allowed to take such a wide range of electives!! come on WINE SCIENCE! best class ever! .... FNH thought me how to see things more as a whole picture really thats what i can take from it.. SYSTEMS! as we are called LAND AND FOOD SYSTEMS!
not knowing fully what i wanted to do made me really depressed...i was pretty defeated and not confident in who i was or i turned to others to give me validation.. i tried looking for Jobs that would suit me just for a little while..applying here and there online.. i remember Sam telling me thats not how u do it! you cant just expect to get a job right away and like it and know what u want.. u got to try out things!! it was a very heated discussion.... but inside i didnt believe him... i didnt believe in working for something i didnt have a passion for .. i didnt see myself working under anyone...i think i got that from my parents who were always there own bosses... i cant see myself sitting in an office in front of a computer the whole day.. i hate technology (in a sense: it brings ppl closers together yet further apart at the same time)...
i then thought i should go do culinary school at VCC ... i thought if God wanted me to do it i could just get in in January..but after i paid Admin fees i learnt there is a 10 months wait..and didnt go through with that..... -_-
at this time Paul was also applying for teaching jobs... at first a few local ones in private schools.. i dont remember if he ever applied for the districts as a TOC..lol i dont think so cuz i can still remember Carrie persistently saying to do it and that she would hand it in for him... i knew in his heart Paul always wanted to teach overseas... he applied for a few schools and got not only one but two contracts to teach in China! wow! he had his whole two years planned... where would i be in this plan? what am i suppose to do
Do i just run back to brunei to my parents?
i guess after talking with a few close friends and family they encouraged me to go to Brunei cuz they know my heart was to open up my own restaurant or bakery.. and the best opportunity for that is in Brunei... i would have the support of my parents here and all there connections to get things done.
It was a leap of faith.... leaving everything i know..all my friends.. my church support... my brothers.. my car oh i miss my bug... the culture.. the weather.. the everything...the food.. i was scared! so scared that Paul and i wont make it.. i never believed in a long distance relationship and i told him but he assured me everything will be ok! Did i make a rash decisions to move to Brunei? Should i have just stayed in Vancouver longer and wait to go to VCC.... i cant look back now
there are so many times that i wish i could have a time machine..
the first few months in Brunei were awesome like an extended vacation and it was Chinese New Year...i started looking into how to get funds for starting a business..and i began writing my business proposal...things were slowly happening! and all a long i think is this really happening?!
i then had a month of living here at my place a lone cuz my parents flew back to Vancouver..so i grew to know how to do things on my own here mostly the driving! haha..kinda found my footing..
then after it was like more vacation.. 3 months in fact... first my parents and old bro and sis in law came to brunei..and even gord and kevin for a day.. then sam and nat came..then ida colman and fam.. and then finally Paul! the last of the visitors....wow all the important ppl in my life came to brunei!! wahh so nice....
During all this visitors and fun times i knew this was a calm before the storm... u know how things seem to be going so well that it feels like something bad is about to happen cuz it is inevitable? cuz growth in faith comes the most during times of crisis .... i was weary that things were going too good and a crisis is coming around the corner...i knew because of all the visitors i had become distant from God...
After the visitors all left i got back to more planning and designing.. working on the floor plan and layout... it was quite challenging because the original location that i designed was not the place God ended up giving to me.. instead i got a smaller place in a better location ..a blessing in disguise..but i guess ill only know once business is up and running...the plans are in and im just waiting for approval!
I thought everything with Paul and I were going well we were talking a lot and he was enjoying his time back in Canada after his first contract in China.. but perhaps we are both moving in different directions in our lives.. have different callings at this stage ...maturing in our faith as individuals ... it hurts and cuts like a knife and there will be scars... but God disciplines his sons and daughters
I will focus my energy and efforts in giving God all the glory, honour, and praise as He deserves all... I won't understand how He is moving..or why things have to be this way...
I cannot blame myself.. i can't think of the the what ifs.. and i can't turn back time...
I can just be confident in that i know i truly gave it my all and will continue to give my all!!!
they say "life can only be understood looking backwards, but it must be lived forward"!
thus i choose to move forward through the plans God has already laid
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